What do you do when the best version of yourself is never enough for someone else?
This belief pattern started when I was eight years old. My mum met and married a man after a whirlwind romance. My father’s replacement would literally put his hand out and hold me at arm’s length when I went to give him a hug. This rejection caused my little heart to cry with despair. After losing my father to cancer a couple of years prior all I was looking for was his unconditional love and affection. I couldn’t change want I wanted, I was just a kid.
I fell in love at twenty and married a man whose attention was anywhere other than the relationship he had committed to. Reinforcing the belief that the best version of me was not worth loving and was never going to be good enough for anyone.
My second husband and I met at work. As like attracts like, we were thrown together by the Universe with our pending divorces and emotional distress. After a few false starts we decided to try and make a go of it. Here’s the irony, I thought he was the one that came with baggage! I had cut ties from my ex and saw myself as a childless, free spirit ready to explore the world of the Thirty somethings. Whereas he came with two young children, parents steeped in tradition and an ex-wife, who for the sake of the children was still very much in the picture.
With the addition of two impressionable girls into my life I did not want to repeat the experiences I had as a child. So, I always went over and above to make them feel comfortable, welcome and loved. You could say at that time I had a Wonder Woman complex. If I wasn’t organized, then I couldn’t control the outcome. If I couldn’t control the outcome, well that thought was terrifying. I was conscious of needing to feel accepted and I was literally stuck in a pattern of old belief systems that were self-destructive. I was on a collision course heading for disaster.
Eleven years into our relationship I was diagnosed with stomach cancer. At the time circumstances would have it that neither of my step daughters wanted a relationship with me. I felt totally and utterly defeated. A crescendo of years’ worth of self-sacrifice and desperation to be loved. The ultra-best version of me was never going to be good enough, ever. So where did this leave me? What lesson was I not learning here? Why did each karmic challenge seem more heart wrenching and harder to pull through? This one contributing to and almost costing me my life.
The original wound of my eight-year-old self was still playing out and cancer was my opportunity to fully awaken and see things very clearly. It was never about the people that rejected me, they were just the mirror of what I didn’t want to see in myself. Being brave enough to confront my old beliefs allowed me to understand that I have purpose and no longer needed to look outside of myself for love, acceptance or validation.
I love my authentic self and thank my teachers in life for helping me find her.