The Best Version of Me
What do you do when the best version of yourself is never enough for someone else?
This belief
pattern started when I was eight years old. My mum met and married a man after
a whirlwind romance. My father’s
replacement would literally put his hand out and hold me at arm’s length when I
went to give him a hug. This rejection
caused my little heart to cry with despair. After losing my father to cancer a couple of
years prior all I was looking for was his unconditional love and affection. I couldn’t change want I wanted, I was just a
kid.
I fell in love at
twenty and married a man whose attention was anywhere other than the relationship
he had committed to. Reinforcing the
belief that the best version of me was not worth loving and was never going to
be good enough for anyone.
My second
husband and I met at work. As like attracts like, we were thrown together by
the Universe with our pending divorces and emotional distress. After a few false starts we decided to try
and make a go of it. Here’s the irony,
I thought he was the one that came with baggage! I had cut ties from my ex and saw myself as a
childless, free spirit ready to explore the world of the Thirty
somethings. Whereas he came with two
young children, parents steeped in tradition and an ex-wife, who for the sake
of the children was still very much in the picture.
With the
addition of two impressionable girls into my life I did not want to repeat the experiences
I had as a child. So, I always went over
and above to make them feel comfortable, welcome and loved. You could say at that time I had a Wonder
Woman complex. If I wasn’t organized,
then I couldn’t control the outcome. If
I couldn’t control the outcome, well that thought was terrifying. I was
conscious of needing to feel accepted and I was literally stuck in a pattern of
old belief systems that were self-destructive. I was on a collision course heading
for disaster.
Eleven years
into our relationship I was diagnosed with stomach cancer. At the time circumstances would have it that neither
of my step daughters wanted a relationship with me. I felt totally and utterly defeated. A crescendo of years’ worth of self-sacrifice
and desperation to be loved. The
ultra-best version of me was never going to be good enough, ever. So where did this leave me? What lesson was I not learning here? Why did
each karmic challenge seem more heart wrenching and harder to pull through?
This one contributing to and almost costing me my life.
The original
wound of my eight-year-old self was still playing out and cancer was my opportunity
to fully awaken and see things very clearly.
It was never about the people that rejected me, they were just the
mirror of what I didn’t want to see in myself.
Being brave enough to confront my old beliefs allowed me to understand that
I have purpose and no longer needed to look outside of myself for love,
acceptance or validation.
I love my authentic
self and thank my teachers in life for helping me find her.
Michelle Potter
Visionary
Artist
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